For the last 4 months, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night due to insomnia. Sometimes I record my voice rambling and repeating phrases in an attempt to get my anxieties out of my head and get back to sleep. I spin, chant, meditate, and shake to reach an altered state in an attempt to induce sleep. My disrupted sleep cycle has become a channel for me to get more intimately acquainted with cycles of the moon. The lunar energy that I feel bonded to takes over my body and brings out a grasping voice inside: the desirous, spiralling self:
“I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want.”
It is a feeling of or longing for a return to childhood interiors, fantasies of outer space and glow in the dark dreams of empowerment and stardom. All of the dimensions of the self that are usually kept hidden and dormant during the day come out at night, with the moon’s rotations guiding my own. I turn my body into a dancing nightscape, and it keeps turning, adorned with intergalactic stickers that whirl me around and around. It is a way to bring celestial bodies close to my physical body and merge outer and inner space; so that maybe, one day, my wishes will be fulfilled, and I’ll become a star too.
2020, 2:08 min, colour, sound, cell phone video footage
Voice: Jennifer Laiwint during insomnia episode.